My Other Life

In my other life, I am an oboe player. I used to say "was," and call it My Former Life. But over the last couple years there has been a shift. When I get to play, it really does feel like an "Other Life," though. I don't get to play very often anymore, and when I do, I get to be wholly "Claire." Not Mama, not Business Woman, not Wife, but Claire. I get to express myself, do something I love, and get totally lost in the present moment.

I went to college to study music. My goal was to become a concert musician. After finishing my bachelor's degree I continued on to graduate school, and received a Master of Music degree. I was pretty proud of myself, but realized, like most music majors eventually do, that it's not something you just go out and do after you finish school. It takes years of auditions, and can be pretty stressful.

So what did I do instead? I worked at a real estate closing office for a year, got laid off, started a pretty dreamy job working at a community theatre, then found out I was pregnant. Whoops.

Fast forward to now. I play with a pretty amazing community group called the Tallahassee Winds. Prior to this year, it was conducted by a former Dean of the College of Music at FSU who is known throughout the state as a stellar musician. He is now retired, but the group will now be led by two other great conductors from FSU. It may be an all volunteer community group, but it is truly great. We meet every Tuesday during the fall and spring semester, and have four concerts per season. I dearly look forward to each Tuesday evening. I'll never forget the first rehearsal I went to after coming back to the group after delivering my son. (I took off for the first concert of the fall.) Getting out my oboe was like seeing an old friend.

These days, my main music outlets are church gigs, especially at Christmas and Easter. I occasionally play with the Albany Symphony Orchestra in southwest Georgia. But my favorite oboe job is playing musicals. I LOVE playing musicals. It's such a fun atmosphere playing in a pit orchestra. You start out as a rag tag group of about a dozen musicians (ranging from advanced high school students to retired folks who still perform), and by the end of the run (which usually includes about five rehearsals and at least six performances) you've become friends. I love the challenge of playing in musicals. The tempo and meter constantly change, and you never know what will happen in each performance. Live music is so exciting!

I'm so thrilled that this month I get to be a part of the orchestra for the musical Les Miserables, a production of the Leon High School Performing Arts. The music is just gorgeous, and I get to play not just oboe but also English horn. The cast is made up of high school students, and they are doing a fantastic job. The orchestra is is all paid professionals, and even though we've only had one rehearsal so far, I can tell it's going to be a great show.

For the next six days, and then for three days next week, I get to leave home for four hours at a time to enjoy My Other Life. It used to be My Former Life, since for a while during that challenging first year of motherhood, I wondered if I'd ever get to play again. But I've found I need to seek it out. I need to MAKE time to play my oboe, because it's not just going to happen on its own. If I want opportunities to feel like I'm still a part of the musicians' life, I must put myself out there, and be on the look out for gigs. Sometimes I'm lucky and they fall in my lap, but that's certainly not the norm.

I think as mothers it is vital that we not lose touch with our Former/Other Selves. I believe that time to develop our own passions or hobbies outside of daily family and work life (even if you find it fulfilling and fabulous) is so important. It allows us to be multi-faceted, and expand our minds to more than they would be if our only focus was on family and work. The tired old anecdote of the "mother's emotional gas tank that needs to be filled" gets thrown around all the time, but I truly believe it to be true. Whatever your extracurricular of choice may be, I believe that we cannot possibly give to our families when we have not first given to ourselves.

When I visit My Other Life, I give myself music, and I am filled.

Claire Williamson,

Oboe/English horn player

Mother

Wife

Representative for Ecological Babies

claire@ecologicalbabies.com

Our 21 Day Challenge: Join us!

"When mom is happy, everyone is happy."  

This is particularly true in our house.  What about yours?  I love our family dynamic on days when I feel peaceful and happy...present.  I've come to realize that there are choices I make that contribute to my own unhappiness even when I think it is good at the moment....a bad habit.

Staying up too late.  If it is one thing I think that will improve my overall happiness, it would be getting to bed earlier.  Sure I want my free time at night and it feels good to finally have some peace and quiet after a crazy, loud day with the kids at home.  But going to bed at 11:30pm isn't gaining me peace when my kids wake me up every morning around 6:30am and I'm groaning as they ask me to help them start their day (getting dressed, breakfast, etc).  I want to wake up like Cinderella did every morning-singing and looking forward to the day.  (My daughter would be thrilled to hear me comparing myself to Cinderella, btw.)  Perhaps the day won't feel as much of a drag in the afternoon.  Hey, a girl can hope, right? :)


21 Days.  Apparently, it only takes 21 days of doing a new habit or breaking an old one to make it automatic.  I can't find the evidence that proves this is actually true but I am going to give it a try anyhow.  Starting May 1st, I am going to go to bed at 10:00pm.  Notice that I didn't say 9:30pm.  I want this to be a realistic goal for me.  If I went to sleep by 10:30pm, then I would still get 8 hours of sleep.  Of course, we are sometimes woken up by either of our 2 children at night, so this is not a flawless victory every night.  But it's a start.

After this 21 day challenge, I might start a new challenge in June to wake up at 6am to see if I can wake up before the kids.  Perhaps I will build on this and see more and more results.

YOUR TURN.

Do you have a bad habit you need to break or want to start a new challenge?

Perhaps you want to start meal planning for the week, try to incorporate more fitness into your life, pick up a hobby you used to love to do (knitting, sewing, scrapbooking, art, photography, etc), read more books to your kids, schedule regular mom's night out, anything.  Perhaps you want to stop eating processed food, yelling at your kids, overspending, eating out so much, watching too much tv.

Join me.  Join me these short 21 days and see whether you can get on track toward more intentional living, living on your terms.  What's needing a new direction? Do you need more steady days?

For those participating, we will journey together and check in on my blog from time to time.  Some call it accountability.  I say it's community building.  It's fun to know what others are doing and how it's going.  It also helps keep us thinking about our intention.

Write it down.  Think about it and put down in the comment section.  What's your goal for the 21 Day Challenge starting May 1st?  What's your reason for wanting this change?  Try to make it as specific as possible. For example, instead of saying "I want to get fit," try saying I will spend 30 minutes each morning around 9am and ride my bike.  21 days!

It's a commitment and a challenge.  Are you up for it?  We'll even have some fun goodies and giveaways for participants along the way!  Sign up below and join the fun.  Invite your friends & family too!

Peace & joy,

Jen Starks, Owner
www.ecologicalbabies.com 
ecologicalbabies@gmail.com 
574.275.1235

What's in Your Treasure Chest?

What you spend money on says what is important to you.

What a profound statement for reflection.  Have you looked at your bills recently or around your home, your car, or your activities with a close eye recently?  Are they congruent to what you value or not?

I thought about this statement for awhile today.  Then I made my list (not comprehensive).

My Top Treasures:
Being home with my kids
Being present to my kids
Simplicity
Personal Balance & Empowerment/Spirituality
Healthy Eating
Having Fun
High Ethics & Social Justice
Community Building
Cooperation

And even though I fall short on many of these categories, I'm just going to focus on one.  I can honestly say with regret, that I have not been living as intentionally simple as I value deep down.  Simplicity is something I treasure and it feeds me spiritually.  When I am in line with my "treasures" I am a balanced person, a balanced mother.

Of course, now that I am taking the time to look, it motivates me to align my values with my wallet.  Every time I let cheap plastic "crap" implode in my house (sometimes through no fault of my own that they arrived), I am making a personal statement.  My children catch on to this statement.  Is this what I want them to see as normal?

Ok before I go and feel guilty about this, I am going to take action to get back on track.  This comes as a perfect time of the year (spring cleaning).  While I'm at it, I can do a little deep cleaning in those neglected areas of the house.   I'm not out for perfection, just intention to move in the direction I want to be moving.

What about your treasure chest?  What's in there?  Do your treasures need to be taken out and polished to shine?

Peace,

Jen Starks, Owner
www.ecologicalbabies.com 
ecologicalbabies@gmail.com 
574.275.1235

Motherhood Musings: Guest Post!

Today on our blog, we have a new guest, Sara Marchessault, sharing her thoughts on the transformation of becoming a mother and some of her journey through self discovery. Sara is a life coach and helps individuals find joy in their lives through her business Joyful By Design. 

Thanks Sara for your insight!

Motherhood Musings

By Sara J. Marchessault

If you’ve ever welcomed a new person into the world, which of the following rings true for your?

Becoming a Mommy = a miracle, a time of wonder and change, joy and expectation.

Becoming a Mommy = a miracle, a time of fear and anxiety, heartburn and nausea.

The one that sounds closest to what you’ve experience likely depends on the kind of day you’ve had before you read these lines! Or you can relate with a little bit of both, right?

Any way you slice it, becoming a mother is one of the most challenging rites of passage we face as women. I don’t think it makes any difference whether you carry your children or adopt, when it’s time to take on the mantle of motherhood, things happen to us, both expected and unexpected.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way here: the expected isn’t by any means easy, but it is, well, expected! The books tell us about setting up the room, washing the clothes, planning the feedings, how often we bath the baby, suggestions for daily schedules, etc. We can all find resources for those aspects of motherhood. Even if you never read a book or an article, you likely have people in your life that are available for you to talk to about your daily routine challenges. These are the conversations that come naturally to new mothers and also the things that the people in your life will inquire about. “Are you sleeping?” becomes a common question for new parents to be asked.

Not so common topics of open discussion are the changes that occur at a deeper, personal level. Becoming a mother is the adoption of a new role. Similar to getting married and taking on the role of “wife” or “partner,” when we become mothers we learn things about ourselves that we didn’t know before.  I think the journey and the learning is different for everyone, but I believe it happens for everyone. My own experience included reexamining my ideas about mortality, finding new ways to celebrate life, and turning into my mother (gulp)!

What came before this? What comes after this? When my first child was born I seriously slowed down for the perhaps the first time in my adult life. Wait a minute, what? Don’t babies keep you up all night and require 110% of your attention all the time? Not if you follow the advice in all those books and articles that you read. I worked VERY HARD to get my daughter on a schedule, mostly because I worked part time from home and needed designated chunks of the day that I could be productive.

What I quickly noticed was that some of the tasks I had to do with the baby allowed me to let my mind wander. Nursing was the biggest opportunity for this to happen. For morning nursing I would often read, but during the afternoon and nighttime feedings my mind would wander to places I wasn’t used to it going.

For most of my life I’ve believed that some part of me existed before this life, I’m here now, and I’ll move back to this space when it’s time to move on from this body. With my new role of motherhood, I found myself thinking a lot more about what happens in the before and after times. Where had my daughter just come from? Where will I go when it’s time to leave her? What will she do without me? What if I have to leave before she’s ready for me too?

I started asking other moms if they thought about these things and the responses I received were a resounding, “Yes!” One good friend with a son on the autism spectrum said she thinks about it all the time: “Who will take care of him if something happens to me?”

I told you the changes can be deep and personal, right?

As I processed these big questions, I realized that I was really getting to know myself in a new way. I was processing my own feelings about life and death and accepting with a newfound level of maturity that this life experience will not last forever. Around Ayla’s first birthday, I had made my peace with this and stopped panicking about it. Coincidence that I also stopped nursing around that time? Probably not, at least from a hormonal point of view.

Oh and one more thing; for some reason I am having to go through all this again with baby number two. 

Here comes baby – there go my old habits. As a mother I think we become more physically grounded. We are focused on the need for food, clean bottoms, sleep, etc. The things that we used to do on a regular basis, maybe things that helped us to celebrate life, are sort of pushed to the outskirts of our everyday routine. I used be able to say “I’m a runner.” Now I can say “I used to run…then I had kids.”  Journal writing, walking in the woods, listening to beautiful music for hours, getting lost in a good story, all of the things I used to do that were examples of life celebrations changed. I needed new things to celebrate.

I didn’t have to look far. I had an amazing baby girl, and now that I’ve added a bouncing baby boy to the mix, I have double the fun! And I am grateful for my healthy, beautiful children. They have changed my life so that instead of a relaxing evening with my husband, a bottle of wine, and Norah Jones crooning in the background we now prepare healthy meals for the family, wash between fingers and toes, plan for naked time for the baby, and talk about whether or not our daughter pooped in the potty. The wine is still there, in smaller quantities and typically after 8pm.

We celebrate our time as a family. We pick and choose the pieces of our old life that we aren’t willing to give up and work as a team to make sure we are each getting enough of what we need to feel human. If this means my husband heads to the golf course once or twice a month and I plop down at Panera to write or work on a fun project, that’s what we do for each other. We give the gift of time.

Let’s not forget that time together is just as important. My time alone with my spouse has decreased with the arrival of the kids, no ifs ands or buts about it. I try to remind myself that ten years from now, when they kids can use the bathroom, make their own lunches, and set their own alarm clocks on their own, I still want to know who is sleeping next to me. Our kids came to us and will be here for a time, then one day they will leave and live their own life. My partner is the mate I’ve chosen presumable for life; I have to remember to live my life with my partner, not in a parallel relationship that never crosses paths. In honest reflection, I took for granted the time I had with him before the kids arrived, and perhaps that was for the best. We had fun and didn’t worry about much. I’ve since learned to be grateful for all that time we spent just the two of us, and look forward to having it again some day.

Who is that in the mirror? Remember when you were a kid and your mother was absolutely the most mortifying, embarrassing excuse for a human being on the face of the Earth? I remember my mother striding through the airport to pick up her sister for a visit to Tallahassee. My mother was brandishing an umbrella and calling out loudly “My name is Indigo Montoya. You killed my father; prepare to die.”

Please put a paper bag over my head so people will not know that I am with her. The hallway was not wide or long enough to get away. The best part of this story is that when we met my Aunt at the gate (pre 9/11), she walked off the plane dressed as Harry Potter. My teenage brain wondered if my teenage body would fit underneath one of those teeny tiny airport chairs.

Much less showy but potentially just as embarrassing for a kid is when your Mom brags about how great you are to your friend’s parents, or worse, directly to your friends. I will never be like that, right?

Wrong! What I know about myself since becoming a mother is this new role is the ultimate confidence builder. I used to shy away from asking directions, accepting help, or clearly articulating what I needed from other people. All of that has gone out the window. I no longer suffer qualms about inconveniencing people. I take the offers to bring my groceries to the car. I ask the Disney contact I have for free tickets. I call for assistance from a friend or family member when it feels like the world is falling to pieces. And I say what I think about ridiculous situations.  My husband thinks my inner censor broke during my first pregnancy. I have to restrain myself from saying things that I know for sure will hurt another person’s feelings.

Guess who else is like this?

You got it, my mother.

Now that I have my own kids, I think I’m okay with this. We all grow thinking we won’t be like our mothers and in extreme cases, it’s good to break the cycle. My case wasn’t extreme and since I began raising my own children, I now realize that being like my mom isn’t such a bad thing.

You probably won’t find that in many pregnancy books either. I learned that my mom is actually really funny and pretty cool. Even more to the point, since I’ve become a mother, I’ve learned that my mom was in the same boat I am now. Just living it one day at a time, doing the best she could, and loving her kids.


Sara Marchessault is an Assistant Professor at Tallahassee Community College, a writer, life coach, and mother of two. When she isn’t penning missives about life she can be found playing with, baking for, and taking long walks with her husband and children. Sara may be reached at sara@joyfulbydesign.com.

Jen Starks, Owner www.ecologicalbabies.com ecologicalbabies@gmail.com 574.275.1235

Anonymous Confessions

I was just thinking about how often we hide parts of ourselves from the world, especially when we hold ourselves to a high standard. As a mother, I am constantly holding myself to a standard I could never achieve.  If I could put down the top 3 things I often feel guilty about it would be:

1.  Showing my anger in front of my kids (especially when they push me to my limit).

2.  Allowing my children to watch shows and movies (even when it is a little bit, I feel guilty).

3.  Feeding my kids foods that are processed because I know they will eat it.

I'm not saying that we live out of boxed foods, that they watch tv all day long, or that I walk around my house yelling at my kids (not that I haven't had my share of those moments).  I feel it is important that I put myself out there for you and for myself.  Part of building a community is by allowing ourselves to show our weaknesses as well as our strengths.  I believe through our most vulnerable moments, we can deeply connect to others and be filled spiritually.

I want to start a regular blog post where we can post our guilt all in one place.  Let down your guard and take a real moment for yourself and for this community.  Through all our imperfections, we will see that we don't all have the answers and that we make similar mistakes.

These confessions can be related to motherhood, green living, spousal relationships, work relationships, personal failures or ANYTHING!  Post anonymously or post your identity, it doesn't matter.  All that matters is that you are real and you support each other.

Are you up for the challenge?

Peace and love,

Jen Starks, Owner www.ecologicalbabies.com ecologicalbabies@gmail.com574.275.1235

Building a legacy

Every year in February, I start thinking about "what I will give up for Lent." It's almost like a school assignment - a book report for which I need to choose a book, an essay for which I need a subject. If I am truly seeking to give something up in the spirit of a fast, this is hardly the attitude to take. So I have decided this year to do something different. Rather than give something up, I'm going to do something extra. I know, that's not exactly a Lenten sacrifice, but personally I think it is still in the proper spirit because it will cause me to be more mindful of my actions and affect positive change.


My intention (and I realize to some this may sound silly) is to give up electronic documentation for the next 40 days in exchange for something more permanent. Hear me out - when was the last time you updated your Facebook status? Or when did you last make an album of pictures on Facebook or Picasa? Ok, now when did you last write in your baby book? Or journal? When was the last time you printed out pictures to make a real photo album or scrapbook?


Many of my friends are giving up Facebook for Lent, and I think that is an admirable goal. However, I enjoy keeping up with my friends socially, and I also use social media for work. I think you can still use social media as a means to socialize, so long as it doesn't become your sole means of communication and interaction. You just can't beat a good phone conversation, and a hand-written note, although almost obsolete these days, is such a powerful message of friendship and love. I have a big box in my closet of notes and greeting cards from family and friends, and I really enjoy looking through it from time to time. It makes me feel more connected to others in my life story, and reminds me of those I with whom I could stand to re-establish communication.


Everyday, I choose to document my life on the internet, and lately I have felt convicted of how fleeting that is. A few weeks ago, my mom sent Grant the most precious gift. A spiral bound book of thoughts she had typed out for him, emails between she and I that she printed out, and pictures. Yes, I know it is good to avoid having tons of things on paper, and we need to conserve resources. But that's not what I'm talking about. What would you rather give to your child when you are 60 and he is 35? A journal with little stories, even one line "status updates," and photographs, or a flash drive? My son LOVES to sit down and look through photo albums with me, and I'm not talking about the ones you click through. We are told by the experts to avoid screen time for children, so shouldn't we be preserving their life in a more tangible way, too? If the only place I journal or display pictures is on Facebook, what will I have left to show one day? What kind of legacy will that leave?


So here is my plan - for the next 40 days, when I get inspired to share a story, observation, or funny thing my son said, I'm going to write it down. Maybe in Grant's baby book, or maybe in my journal I have written in exactly one time that has been living in my bedside table drawer for four years. I think it's time to dust it off and buy a nice pen.


How do you document your child's life? Are you giving up something for Lent, or doing something else to affect positive change in your life? What kind of legacy do you want to leave for your children?


Blessings and love,

Claire Williamson
claire@ecologicalbabies.com

Journaling in Time of Need

These past couple weeks have been tough for me.  It had become quite apparent that the preschool my 4 y.o. daughter was attending (montessori) wasn't panning out.  She is high spirited and her teachers kept writing me notes about another "incident" that was happening.  Without going into all the details that only bring up resentments, the breaking point occurred last Tuesday when I was notified that Rita Clare was being "terminated" from school for failure to progress in the direction she needed to be going.  I have until the end of the month to set a new plan up in motion.

While she's in school, I have been using these couple hours to work from home without the struggle of managing kids in the background.  During this time frame, my 2 year old son is napping.  It has been really nice to have this carved out time in the middle of the day.  Now what??

I've been dappling in homeschooling, joining a gym with child care, hiring a babysitter to consistently help out, other child care centers that will take kids after a semester has begun, etc.  I don't have everything figured out just yet, but I'm starting to feel a plan emerging.

During my many panicky moments, I have come back to my journal.  It is a space I can say anything and let it all out.  I can come up with lofty goals and feel a sense of direction.  It's a spiritual space, much like prayer or meditation.  It's always my hope that I will continue to journal regularly.  But usually I come to it when I'm overwhelmed and need to purge my emotions.  It's funny to read through my past journal entries as they are often similar in their theme and take me back to certain events.

Do you journal?  How has it impacted you?

Working on peace,

Jen



Jen Starks, Owner www.ecologicalbabies.com ecologicalbabies@gmail.com 574.275.1235

Core Strength Pre/Post Pregnancy

We welcome Tara Valentine Jennette Posey of Healthy Mama, Happy Baby to our blog today.  Tara is a physical trainer and one of the healthiest people I know.  Today she shares her wisdom on the importance of mamas having core strength all the way from before conception to post partum.  If you haven't already, head over to her blog and to learn a lot more ways of being a fit and healthy mama (or daddy).

The Importance of Core Strength: Before, During and After Pregnancy

Before you get pregnant is the best time to build your core strength (as seen in 1st photo). But don't think it is too late if you are already pregnant (as seen in 2nd photo- 6 months pregnant). I will show you how to do both.

If you have a strong core, you shouldn't have any back or hip problems during your pregnancy. Your core muscles will be able to hold your growing baby without putting stress on your back or hips. When your baby is born, the core muscles will help you carry your growing baby and toddler. They will also help keep you from hurting your back when you have to lift that stroller, car seat and all the other stuff in and out of the car.

You can do all of these exercises before and after you are pregnant. But only do the last two if you are pregnant. When you are pregnant, you don't want to do anything where the muscles push directly against the baby.
This first move is a Suitcase Crunch. Lying on your back, cross your leg over, try to crunch your legs into your upper body. So picture opening and closing a suitcase and your upper body is one side and your legs are the other. Make sure you don't arch your lower back or pull on your neck. Try to do 10 with one leg crossed then cross the other leg for 10.

This move is really good for your Transverse Abdominus (lower abs or internal girdle). Lie on your back with your hands under your bottom and push your bellybutton into your spine. Make a scissor motion with your legs for 20 flutters.

The Plank is a wonderful core strengthener. When you do this exercise, you pull in your stomach and help place all your organs in the right place. Very good to prevent and reverse incontinence. Try to hold for 30 seconds at a time without letting your low back sway towards the ground.

This is a great move to do while you are pregnant. It works your obliques (the muscles on your side). Make sure your shoulder is over your elbow on the arm you are propping up on. Stack your legs on top of each other. Lift and lower your hips. When you come back down to the ground don't rest your weight, just slightly touch your hip and then rise up again. This is a very small motion. Try to do 10-15 on each side.

All of this hard work will definitely pay off between not having those annoying back aches and no accidents when you sneeze : ) Most of all these muscles will help you do the most important job ever- push out those babies during labor! Believe me I know- after 22 hours of labor and a 9 lbs. baby with her hand up- I NEEDED my core strength!

-Tara

http://healthymamahappybaby.blogspot.com/